Showing posts with label blog challenges. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blog challenges. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Nothing Bad Happened
Lenore Skenazy, over at freerangekids.com, asked her readers to post in the comments on her blog about a time that nothing bad happened when they let their kids do something that others might have considered dangerous. I wrote sort of a long story there in her comment section (although I confess I forgot to start with her suggested opener, "nothing bad happened when..."). I thought I might as well post it here, too. If you'd like to read other stories about kids doing dangerous things that worked out ok, check out Lenore's blog post and comments here. The upshot is, most kids are capable of a lot more than we give them credit for! We should start giving them credit for being able to handle more things!
Here is my story about when nothing bad happened:
*************
I am (or at least, I was) apparently the world's worst babysitter.
Before I had kids, when I was in my late 20's, I babysat for a friend who had two kids, a boy, age 4, and a girl, age 8.
I had babysat lots when I was a teen, for a few hours at a time, and never had any problems at all, and I had been around plenty of my friends' and relatives' kids since that time, so I felt well-qualified.
My friend asked me to keep her kids at her house for a weekend, from Friday evening to Sunday afternoon.
I showed up Friday evening and brought the kids Happy Meals. First mistake -- I thought I should get a "boy toy" for the boy and a "girl toy" for the girl, or at least two different toys so that they would, together, have more cool toys to play with. Turns out I was supposed to get two identical toys so no one would have to be jealous that the other kid got a "better" toy.
Despite this "disastrous" start, the parents left me in charge anyway and took off for their destination, reminding me not to feed the kids too much junk food, and telling me to "have fun."
Saturday morning, the boy had a pee-wee league tee-ball game at a local park / recreation center, so I took the kids to it. The little boy had to go to the bathroom, so I walked him to the restrooms. He assured me he could handle the bathroom by himself, so I waited outside the men's room door while he went in. No one else was around. After a while, I heard the toilet flush and then the sink running, then heard "scuffling" on the other side of the door. I pushed it gently to help the little guy open it, and he came out, smiling / happy.
Saturday afternoon, I put the little guy's booster seat in my car and took the kids to the zoo, bringing healthy snacks in the form of carrots, grapes, and mixed nuts. The kids loved the snacks and had a great time at the zoo.
Sunday afternoon, the kids asked if we could ride bikes to the neighborhood park near their house. I asked if they knew how to get there and they said yes. We set out with me walking, the girl riding her "big kid bike," and the boy riding his bike with training wheels. The girl would ride ahead and then wait for us at each stop sign. Sure enough, she knew the way perfectly. They wanted me to go get the car and drive them home, but I refused to leave them alone at the park in order to walk home and get the car, and so I made them ride their bikes the whole way back home. They complained that they were tired, but we made it. It was probably half a mile each way. The kids were pretty tired after that, and sat and drank water and watched TV while I fixed them some dinner. But they were happy and said they wanted me to come visit them again some time.
When the parents returned that evening, I found out I had subjected both kids, but especially the four-year-old, to many incredible and unacceptable dangers:
* pedophiles in the bathroom! ("he's NEVER been to the bathroom by himself before!! What if someone else had been in there?!? What if he got stuck in the stall?!?");
* potential choking hazards! ("admittedly somewhat unlikely but you could have at least cut the grapes in half!");
* potential deathly allergic reaction to peanuts! ("the kids have never had nuts before!!") [as an aside, you'd think the parents might have warned me if they were worried about that one!];
* risk of getting impossibly and irreparably lost! ("How did you even find the park? How were you sure you'd know the way home?!?") [As if their 8 year old were completely incompetent to find her way home, and as if there were no other persons in the entire neighborhood to ask, if we did get lost...]
* risk of heat stroke or heat exhaustion! ("But it's so far to the park! They rode the WHOLE WAY there AND BACK?!?");
* risk of dying by being run over by a car! ("you had to cross three streets to get to the park!!") [note: they were neighborhood streets, with one lane in each direction...].
Geez, I thought the kids and I had enjoyed a great fun weekend, one that would be the envy of any kid anywhere, but it turns out that, in fact, I am a horrible child endangerer!
They never asked me to babysit again...
*********
Have you ever subjected your kids, or someone else's kids, to an activity or situation that others judged you a "bad parent" for?
Monday, November 30, 2009
NaBloPoMo Ends
Last day of National Blog Posting Month.
Woo hoo! I made it! A post a day for a month....
And now I'll resume my regular posting schedule, which is to say, irregular at best!
Woo hoo! I made it! A post a day for a month....
And now I'll resume my regular posting schedule, which is to say, irregular at best!
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
In Which Two Seemingly Unrelated Topics Are Tied Neatly Together Into One Cool Contest
Here are two seemingly unrelated pieces of information:
(1) I'm going to Las Vegas soon, for a much-needed vacation with my husband and the best man from our wedding, who was actually a woman. She is a fun person; I know we all will have fun - I just hope we all win, too. I can't afford big losses with this economy, so I've set aside an amount of money that I can afford to spend in Vegas. If I lose it all the first day, I'll spend the rest of the trip reading books by the pool or watching television or surfing the 'net... not as much fun as blackjack and craps and slot machines, but still a good time.
(2) I need a tag line. You know, something to write up there under the "LegalMist" blog title. Something clever like Whiskeymarie's "Scaring the Neighbors Since 1971" tag line, or at least reasonably descriptive and interesting, like B.E. Earl's "Life and Decadence" tag line at "The Verdant Dude" blog.
How are these two items related?
By a contest, of course.
I need a tag line. And you guys want to win a contest just as much as I want to win in Vegas. And, I have the coolest swag left over from this year's Arizona Bar Convention. Check it out:
"What is it?" you ask.
Those are chocolate poker chips (much like the chocolate coins often given at Hanukkah, crossed with the poker chips often used in Vegas), and the "dice" are little tins of mints. They were provided by West, which is a publisher of legal materials and is the vendor who traditionally has the coolest swag at the convention (this year was no exception).
The chocolates and mints are yummy - I've sampled a few. But the ones pictured here are unopened and unsampled and have been set aside just for the winner of my tag-line contest.
So, help me out here, dear readers. If you're intrigued by the contest, or just want the chocolate and mints, think of something clever, creative, and/or (accurately) descriptive to add as a tag line for my blog. Submit your suggestions in the comments to this post. Whichever entry is the best (in my subjective and it's-the-only-vote-that-counts opinion) will win a prize: the above swag, plus the honor of having your tag-line posted on my blog for all to read.
You can enter the tag line contest more than once, but remember, quality (not quantity) is what counts here. You won't get "extra credit" for submitting more entries, nor will it necessarily increase your chances to win, unless of course all of your entries are fantabulous covered with awesomesauce.
But wait, there's more! If you want a chance to win a more traditional giveaway, mention this contest in your blog, with a link to this post, and then let me know in the comments that you have done so (along with providing a link to your post). Everyone who does this will be entered in a random drawing for four chocolate poker chips. Your chances of winning depend on the number of entries received. For now, your chances are pretty good because I don't usually have a lot of readers. But if your links generate interest in the contest or giveaway, then the number of readers and potential linkers could go up.
The deadline for blog links is October 21, 2009; the deadline for contest entries is October 22, 2009; and the winners will be announced on October 31, 2009 (Halloween). See below for the "fine print" additional rules. Or not. Your choice, really. But you're bound by the rules whether you read them or not. (Some days I love being a lawyer).
Now go put on your creativity caps and think of something fantastic for my blog!
* * *
The fine print (because I'm a lawyer, that's why):
Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will select, using arbitrary, abstract, and ambiguous criteria, a first, second, and third place winner for the tag-line contest. Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) separately and at a different time will randomly draw - via either a random number generator (if she is able to figure out how to use one) or by putting little pieces of paper with the contestants' names or pseudonyms into a smallish bowl and then mixing them about and then pulling out three of them in order - a first place winner for the giveaway and a first and second runner up, who may win the swag only in the event the first place winner cannot be reached.
The top three winners for the contest will be published here (either by name or by pseudonym, whichever you use to enter the contest). The name or pseudonym of the first place winner of the giveaway will also be published. The first place winner in the contest and in the giveaway will win the swag as described and/or pictured above for the contest and for the giveaway.
Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will make a reasonable effort to contact the winners either via a comment on their blogs (if they have one and if LegalMist is able to get to it by clicking on the winner's name in the comment section) or via email (if an email address is provided to LegalMist).
If LegalMist is unsuccessful in contacting the winners via any alternate method, for any reason including complete unexcused failure to attempt such contact, publication on this blog shall be considered sufficient notification of their status as winners.
The first place winners will have three days after publication of the winning entries on this blog to email LegalMist their shipping address (to legalmist at gmail dot com). The publication date is the relevant date for counting the three days, even if the winners learn of their status as winners by some other method. If shipping information is promptly provided, LegalMist will ship the swag soon thereafter.
The three day time limit may be extended for any arbitrary amount of time at the discretion of the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist), especially if it turns out that she is too busy with work or kids or whatever to chase down winners, but LegalMist is not required to extend a time period for any reason.
If, after reasonable (or unreasonable) attempts to contact the first place winners, contact has not occurred, the swag may be awarded to the second place winner or first runner up, who will then have three days after publication on this blog to contact the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) with shipping information.
If the second place winner or first runner up does not respond within three days or within whatever arbitary and somewhat longer time limit is set by the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist), the swag will go to the third place winner / second runner-up by the same method.
After that, if there is no response, contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will simply eat the stuff herself and call it a day.
The prizes have no cash value, and no prize substitutions are allowed or possible.
Taxes, if any, are the responsibility of the prize recipient.
Shipping Information: Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will pack the swag reasonably carefully, will ship the swag via the United States Postal Service's first class or priority mail, and will pay the postage herself. She will not, however, pay for overnight delivery or insurance or certified mail or any other fancy delivery or tracking method. She truly hopes the swag arrives intact. However, contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) is not responsible for any loss or damage that may occur during shipping. So if your chocolate melts or freezes or breaks, or your mint tins get dented, or some other loss or tragedy occurs, LegalMist will extend her heartfelt condolences, but there won't be a replacement.
In a nutshell: this is all for fun. You have no legal rights whatsoever if the swag, the contest, or anything about it fails to live up to your hyper-inflated expectations. Just get over it already.
Are you really still reading this fine print? Congratulations, you are more neurotic than most attorneys I know! Now get back to work already!
(1) I'm going to Las Vegas soon, for a much-needed vacation with my husband and the best man from our wedding, who was actually a woman. She is a fun person; I know we all will have fun - I just hope we all win, too. I can't afford big losses with this economy, so I've set aside an amount of money that I can afford to spend in Vegas. If I lose it all the first day, I'll spend the rest of the trip reading books by the pool or watching television or surfing the 'net... not as much fun as blackjack and craps and slot machines, but still a good time.
(2) I need a tag line. You know, something to write up there under the "LegalMist" blog title. Something clever like Whiskeymarie's "Scaring the Neighbors Since 1971" tag line, or at least reasonably descriptive and interesting, like B.E. Earl's "Life and Decadence" tag line at "The Verdant Dude" blog.
How are these two items related?
By a contest, of course.
I need a tag line. And you guys want to win a contest just as much as I want to win in Vegas. And, I have the coolest swag left over from this year's Arizona Bar Convention. Check it out:
"What is it?" you ask.
Those are chocolate poker chips (much like the chocolate coins often given at Hanukkah, crossed with the poker chips often used in Vegas), and the "dice" are little tins of mints. They were provided by West, which is a publisher of legal materials and is the vendor who traditionally has the coolest swag at the convention (this year was no exception).
The chocolates and mints are yummy - I've sampled a few. But the ones pictured here are unopened and unsampled and have been set aside just for the winner of my tag-line contest.
So, help me out here, dear readers. If you're intrigued by the contest, or just want the chocolate and mints, think of something clever, creative, and/or (accurately) descriptive to add as a tag line for my blog. Submit your suggestions in the comments to this post. Whichever entry is the best (in my subjective and it's-the-only-vote-that-counts opinion) will win a prize: the above swag, plus the honor of having your tag-line posted on my blog for all to read.
You can enter the tag line contest more than once, but remember, quality (not quantity) is what counts here. You won't get "extra credit" for submitting more entries, nor will it necessarily increase your chances to win, unless of course all of your entries are fantabulous covered with awesomesauce.
But wait, there's more! If you want a chance to win a more traditional giveaway, mention this contest in your blog, with a link to this post, and then let me know in the comments that you have done so (along with providing a link to your post). Everyone who does this will be entered in a random drawing for four chocolate poker chips. Your chances of winning depend on the number of entries received. For now, your chances are pretty good because I don't usually have a lot of readers. But if your links generate interest in the contest or giveaway, then the number of readers and potential linkers could go up.
The deadline for blog links is October 21, 2009; the deadline for contest entries is October 22, 2009; and the winners will be announced on October 31, 2009 (Halloween). See below for the "fine print" additional rules. Or not. Your choice, really. But you're bound by the rules whether you read them or not. (Some days I love being a lawyer).
Now go put on your creativity caps and think of something fantastic for my blog!
* * *
The fine print (because I'm a lawyer, that's why):
Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will select, using arbitrary, abstract, and ambiguous criteria, a first, second, and third place winner for the tag-line contest. Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) separately and at a different time will randomly draw - via either a random number generator (if she is able to figure out how to use one) or by putting little pieces of paper with the contestants' names or pseudonyms into a smallish bowl and then mixing them about and then pulling out three of them in order - a first place winner for the giveaway and a first and second runner up, who may win the swag only in the event the first place winner cannot be reached.
The top three winners for the contest will be published here (either by name or by pseudonym, whichever you use to enter the contest). The name or pseudonym of the first place winner of the giveaway will also be published. The first place winner in the contest and in the giveaway will win the swag as described and/or pictured above for the contest and for the giveaway.
Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will make a reasonable effort to contact the winners either via a comment on their blogs (if they have one and if LegalMist is able to get to it by clicking on the winner's name in the comment section) or via email (if an email address is provided to LegalMist).
If LegalMist is unsuccessful in contacting the winners via any alternate method, for any reason including complete unexcused failure to attempt such contact, publication on this blog shall be considered sufficient notification of their status as winners.
The first place winners will have three days after publication of the winning entries on this blog to email LegalMist their shipping address (to legalmist at gmail dot com). The publication date is the relevant date for counting the three days, even if the winners learn of their status as winners by some other method. If shipping information is promptly provided, LegalMist will ship the swag soon thereafter.
The three day time limit may be extended for any arbitrary amount of time at the discretion of the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist), especially if it turns out that she is too busy with work or kids or whatever to chase down winners, but LegalMist is not required to extend a time period for any reason.
If, after reasonable (or unreasonable) attempts to contact the first place winners, contact has not occurred, the swag may be awarded to the second place winner or first runner up, who will then have three days after publication on this blog to contact the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) with shipping information.
If the second place winner or first runner up does not respond within three days or within whatever arbitary and somewhat longer time limit is set by the contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist), the swag will go to the third place winner / second runner-up by the same method.
After that, if there is no response, contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will simply eat the stuff herself and call it a day.
The prizes have no cash value, and no prize substitutions are allowed or possible.
Taxes, if any, are the responsibility of the prize recipient.
Shipping Information: Contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) will pack the swag reasonably carefully, will ship the swag via the United States Postal Service's first class or priority mail, and will pay the postage herself. She will not, however, pay for overnight delivery or insurance or certified mail or any other fancy delivery or tracking method. She truly hopes the swag arrives intact. However, contest and giveaway sponsor (LegalMist) is not responsible for any loss or damage that may occur during shipping. So if your chocolate melts or freezes or breaks, or your mint tins get dented, or some other loss or tragedy occurs, LegalMist will extend her heartfelt condolences, but there won't be a replacement.
In a nutshell: this is all for fun. You have no legal rights whatsoever if the swag, the contest, or anything about it fails to live up to your hyper-inflated expectations. Just get over it already.
Are you really still reading this fine print? Congratulations, you are more neurotic than most attorneys I know! Now get back to work already!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Cardinals Beat Eagles, 32-25 -- Super Bowl Bound!
The Cardinals won the NFC Championship game!
My prediction: Cardinals 34, Eagles 27.
Actual Result: Cardinals 32, Eagles 25.
I was pretty close to right on. And a lot closer than Dr. Zibbs. I think we all know who to turn to next time for football advice, right?
Wish my Cardinals luck in the Super Bowl!
My prediction: Cardinals 34, Eagles 27.
Actual Result: Cardinals 32, Eagles 25.
I was pretty close to right on. And a lot closer than Dr. Zibbs. I think we all know who to turn to next time for football advice, right?
Wish my Cardinals luck in the Super Bowl!
Friday, January 16, 2009
My Prediction - Cardinals vs. Eagles
(Photo by Texas Mustang on Flickr; used under a Creative Commons attribution license)
The Arizona Cardinals are in the playoffs. Not only that, but they are doing well in the playoffs. They are doing so well, they are scheduled to play the Philadelphia Eagles (Dr. Zibbs' favorite team) in the Conference Championship on Sunday here at home!! They have a real shot at competing in the Superbowl.
(I can't believe I got to write that!)
Long ago, back in the mid-1990's, my husband and I had season tickets to the Cardinals. For years after that, I ran the football pool at work and watched the Cardinals obsessively every weekend. But this year, for the first time in many years, I have completely ignored the NFL season. Until the playoffs. When suddenly (well, not really "suddenly" -- they've worked on it all year; it's just that I suddenly noticed how well they are doing), my team is in the running for the SuperBowl!
All I can say is, "wow."
The sensation is a little like watching your kids grow up. When did she become so self-confident? you ask yourself, when you notice - really notice - how she handles herself at school this year. When did he develop such compassion?...
I want to know: When did the hapless, hopeless team I've known (and loved / hated for years) suddenly become playoff material? When did the Cardinals learn to play real football?
I am somewhat annoyed that the Cardinals couldn't manage this playoff thing 15 years ago, back when I did not have kids and therefore had time and money for season tickets and might have finagled tickets to a playoff game. But oh no, back when I had season tickets, the Cardinals were the laughingstock of the NFL and the stands were routinely only half filled -- and with the other team's fans.
...Except for one crazy fellow who sat in our section and showed up for every game dressed and painted head to toe like a Cardinal, complete with fake beak and feathers. His enthusiasm carried the whole section. He cheered loudly and shouted obnoxiously at the opposing team's players, and his enthusiasm, volume, and obnoxiousness remained constant no matter how soundly the Cardinals were defeated. He just liked to cheer for his team. I miss that guy. I hope he will get to be there this weekend.
Here is my prediction for the Championship Game on Sunday:
Cardinals 34
Eagles 27
This prediction is based on a complex formula involving statistical analysis of each team's scoring to date, weather patterns in the Pacific, and astrological effects, with just barely a dash of wishful thinking thrown in.
I am wondering whether Dr. Zibbs agrees with my complex statistical analysis and prediction? I think he should buy me a beer if I am right. What do you think?
Here is my prediction for the Championship Game on Sunday:
Cardinals 34
Eagles 27
This prediction is based on a complex formula involving statistical analysis of each team's scoring to date, weather patterns in the Pacific, and astrological effects, with just barely a dash of wishful thinking thrown in.
I am wondering whether Dr. Zibbs agrees with my complex statistical analysis and prediction? I think he should buy me a beer if I am right. What do you think?
.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
On the Bus - a Blogger Tale
That Damn Expat tagged me for a story meme. I guess she thought I was too critical of Mr. Cunningham's Pulitzer Prize winning literary effort and perhaps ought to see just how difficult it is to write a good story.
The basics of the game are that one person starts a story, tags the next who adds to it and tags another. The goal is to keep it going until the story just doesn't make any sense any more. Your job is to tag at least one person who continues the story. Here is the complete set of instructions (from Splotchy, who originated this meme). I am adding a rule, though, as a condition of my participation. You are not required to tag more than 5 people. If you tag 5 and they all wimp out on you, hey you tried and the meme fairies can haunt them, not you!
And here is the story:
The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)
"Ladies and Gentlemen...please do not be afraid! I am here to help you" he said in a mighty booming voice. As he began to step towards me I felt a hand creep its way around my throat and all of a sudden I was pressed against the mighty bosom of the Asian woman as she she hauled me to my feet. She began to back away from the costumed crusader all the while holding me, feet dangling in the air. I panicked and my eyes searched the bus, hoping to connect with someone, anyone who would be able to help me. My eyes met those of the hero in gold and just as I began to gasp for air he yelled... ( ~E)
„Put her down and no one gets hurt,“ he yelled at the Asian woman. All the passengers turned to see what was going on and, as they did, I noticed they were more panicked than I was. A small bespectacled man closest to us hissed at my captor and said in a low voice „Take me, just don't hurt her.“ My fear gave way to curiosity. Who were all these people, and why were they so concerned for my well being? The Asian blonde's back was now pressed against the back of the bus, and she increased her grip on me as the megaphone man crept slowly towards us. As he passed through the bus people started getting up, and now they formed a small army behind him. He raised the box of graham crackers above his head and put his lips to the megaphone... (That Damn Expat)
The Asian lady's grip tightened around my neck and I could not breathe at all. "Put her down," said the man in gold again, into the megaphone, "she is not the one you seek." I couldn't figure out why he needed the megaphone. He was less than fifteen feet from the Asian lady who was slowly choking the life out of me. "Put her down, Ariella, she's not the one," he said again, louder, through the megaphone. The grip on my throat tightened more and I desperately tried to pry Ariella's (Ariella? Was my captor named after a Disney princess?) hands from around my throat. She responded with an even tighter grip. I went limp. Ariella strained forward, glaring at the man in gold and asked, "What did you say?" "SHE IS NOT THE ONE YOU SEEK!" the man in gold screamed into the megaphone, dragging me back from the brink of unconsiousness. "Eh? She's not? Why didn't you say so to begin with?" said the woman, as she loosened her grip around my throat. I gasped for air. My mouth, nose, and throat filled with the dank air of the bus, the Asian lady's overbearing, spicy perfume, and the ripe odor of weeks-old sweat from the disheveled and dirty man who sat in the seat next to where we stood, grinning toothlessly at the scene before him. Apparently, he was not scared. Perhaps he was not even sane. He was wearing a tattered and stained overcoat that once had been grey, a dirty white wool sweater, torn blue jeans, and what looked like brand new bright red Converse sneakers encrusted in rhinestones. He reached out his bony hand .... (LegalMist)
I tag Sausage Mechanic, Ms. Florida Transplant, and (in an attempt to send this overseas to Scotland), Kim Ayres, whose blog I have read for quite some time but who probably doesn't know who the heck I am. No matter, he's a good story teller, and I hope he will take the challenge!
.
The basics of the game are that one person starts a story, tags the next who adds to it and tags another. The goal is to keep it going until the story just doesn't make any sense any more. Your job is to tag at least one person who continues the story. Here is the complete set of instructions (from Splotchy, who originated this meme). I am adding a rule, though, as a condition of my participation. You are not required to tag more than 5 people. If you tag 5 and they all wimp out on you, hey you tried and the meme fairies can haunt them, not you!
And here is the story:
The bus was more crowded than usual. It was bitterly cold outside, and I hadn't prepared for it. I noticed that a fair number of the riders were dressed curiously. As I glanced around, I stretched my feet and kicked up against a large, heavy cardboard box laying under the seat in front of me. (Splotchy)
I hunched down to see what it was, but as I did, the bus violently veered to left. I was thrown up against a heavyset Asian woman with blond hair. I pardoned myself, but she faced forward with no reply. Just then, a man wearing a jumpsuit of silver and gold stood up at the front of the bus. He was holding a megaphone and a box of graham crackers. He held the megaphone up to his face and began to speak... (Some Guy)
"Ladies and Gentlemen...please do not be afraid! I am here to help you" he said in a mighty booming voice. As he began to step towards me I felt a hand creep its way around my throat and all of a sudden I was pressed against the mighty bosom of the Asian woman as she she hauled me to my feet. She began to back away from the costumed crusader all the while holding me, feet dangling in the air. I panicked and my eyes searched the bus, hoping to connect with someone, anyone who would be able to help me. My eyes met those of the hero in gold and just as I began to gasp for air he yelled... ( ~E)
„Put her down and no one gets hurt,“ he yelled at the Asian woman. All the passengers turned to see what was going on and, as they did, I noticed they were more panicked than I was. A small bespectacled man closest to us hissed at my captor and said in a low voice „Take me, just don't hurt her.“ My fear gave way to curiosity. Who were all these people, and why were they so concerned for my well being? The Asian blonde's back was now pressed against the back of the bus, and she increased her grip on me as the megaphone man crept slowly towards us. As he passed through the bus people started getting up, and now they formed a small army behind him. He raised the box of graham crackers above his head and put his lips to the megaphone... (That Damn Expat)
The Asian lady's grip tightened around my neck and I could not breathe at all. "Put her down," said the man in gold again, into the megaphone, "she is not the one you seek." I couldn't figure out why he needed the megaphone. He was less than fifteen feet from the Asian lady who was slowly choking the life out of me. "Put her down, Ariella, she's not the one," he said again, louder, through the megaphone. The grip on my throat tightened more and I desperately tried to pry Ariella's (Ariella? Was my captor named after a Disney princess?) hands from around my throat. She responded with an even tighter grip. I went limp. Ariella strained forward, glaring at the man in gold and asked, "What did you say?" "SHE IS NOT THE ONE YOU SEEK!" the man in gold screamed into the megaphone, dragging me back from the brink of unconsiousness. "Eh? She's not? Why didn't you say so to begin with?" said the woman, as she loosened her grip around my throat. I gasped for air. My mouth, nose, and throat filled with the dank air of the bus, the Asian lady's overbearing, spicy perfume, and the ripe odor of weeks-old sweat from the disheveled and dirty man who sat in the seat next to where we stood, grinning toothlessly at the scene before him. Apparently, he was not scared. Perhaps he was not even sane. He was wearing a tattered and stained overcoat that once had been grey, a dirty white wool sweater, torn blue jeans, and what looked like brand new bright red Converse sneakers encrusted in rhinestones. He reached out his bony hand .... (LegalMist)
I tag Sausage Mechanic, Ms. Florida Transplant, and (in an attempt to send this overseas to Scotland), Kim Ayres, whose blog I have read for quite some time but who probably doesn't know who the heck I am. No matter, he's a good story teller, and I hope he will take the challenge!
.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
(And it only took me four tries...)
I did it! I named all 50 states, and in less than 5 minutes....
...And it only took me four tries.
The first three times, I used up all 10 minutes and still forgot huge portions of our country -- not many states, mind you, just big ones like, say, Nebraska or Montana or Oklahoma (Oklahoma! How could I forget Oklahoma?!? There's a whole musical about Oklahoma, for cryin' out loud!).
All I can say in my defense is, it's harder than it seems like it ought to be. Especially if you attended elementary school in the deep south, where they required you to learn the names and locations of only the Confederate states.
Give it a try. Let me know how you fare. Good luck!
.
I named 50 US states in 10 minutes 
...And it only took me four tries.
The first three times, I used up all 10 minutes and still forgot huge portions of our country -- not many states, mind you, just big ones like, say, Nebraska or Montana or Oklahoma (Oklahoma! How could I forget Oklahoma?!? There's a whole musical about Oklahoma, for cryin' out loud!).
All I can say in my defense is, it's harder than it seems like it ought to be. Especially if you attended elementary school in the deep south, where they required you to learn the names and locations of only the Confederate states.
Give it a try. Let me know how you fare. Good luck!
.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Aaaaw, Shucks...
Many thanks to Ms. Florida Transplant for tagging me with this (literally) fabulous award! For those of you who have not checked out her blog, you should. It is interesting and at least as Fabulous as mine. (After all, she won the award, too!).
It's my first blog "award," and I feel so very honored.
Not only that, but it is timely, coming right before Thanksgiving and all, so I can blog about 5 fabulous things I am thankful for, and it just ties right in with the week's theme. Wow. I am truly blessed.
So, in compliance with the requirements for accepting this fabulous blog fodder award, I hereby post my list of "Five Fabulous Fings" (as my 5 year old would say):
1. Well, I'd be a schmuck if I didn't list my family. But truly, they are awesome. From my kids to my husband to my parents, step-sibs, & in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and on and on -- I love them all. Not only because they are genuinely good people with good hearts, but also because with their infinite capacity for random nuttiness, they will provide me with endless blog fodder for the foreseeable future. What's not to love?
2. The "C-foods" (as in, I am on a "C-food" diet) -- that's chocolate, cheese, and coffee with cream, and I try to make sure I get all three every day. Helps keep me thin and healthy, you know. Other fine C-foods include chicken, carrots, chimichangas, and champagne. Not necessarily to be eaten together, you understand.
3. My dog. He is a bassett hound and he has endless patience with my kids. Over my continuing protests, they hug him tight like a stuffed animal and kiss him on the nose, hook him up to their little plastic wagons so he can pull their toys around, and put funny hats and reindeer ears on him -- and he just sits there looking patient and bored. I have literally seen my son (accidentally) step on my dog's "wee-wee" and all he (the dog) did was give a little yelp and walk away. There was no biting, no barking, no growling -- just an apparent recognition that "the little boy did not intend to hurt me but, ow, I'd best get out of the way." When the kids are home, he is always with the kids. When they are not home, he sleeps happily by my feet while I work on my computer all day (or goof off by writing silly blog posts, one of those). What a great dog. What a great friend.
4. Our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Really, our founding fathers did a good job of designing a system of government by taking the best of what was there at the time and improving upon it, and also allowing enough flexibility that we can continue to improve upon it.
5. Beaches. The warm sand, the cool salty ocean water, the ever-present soft breeze, the beautiful seashells, the cheerful sunshine... oh, what would life be without beaches?
Now, I am supposed to pass this on to five other bloggers who I think are Fabulous (and, presumably, who have not already received this award). I have no idea whether the following bloggers will want to participate in this meme / award thing, but even if they don't, their blogs are fabulous and you should check them out. They, in turn, are supposed to list 5 things they think are fabulous. They don't have to write a book or even a paragraph about each one like I did. In fact, if they can keep it short, they will prove they are even more fabulous than me.
Here goes:
1. That Damn Expat tells some good tales, about everything from politicians who pee in their pants to her experience as a cheerleader for a day. Check it out. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be back for more, I promise.
2. Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds. Another blogger that will make you laugh, cry, question human nature, and come back time and again looking for more stories.
3. Whiskeymarie. Always witty, with lots of photos and a great list of other great time-wasters... um, I mean blogs.... in her sidebar. Plus, she's got a great meme ceremony that I am sure will be even more lovely when it is performed in the winter with snow on the ground -- assuming she will consider this award to be in the "meme" category.
4. Here Comes Johnny Yen Again. Not sure he really wants to be called "fabulous," and also not sure he participates in meme-type awards, but I do enjoy his thoughtful and entertaining posts. You will, too.
5. Fancy Schmancy. From thought-provoking and sentimental to funny as h---.... she's got it all and then some. Check her out if you haven't already.
To my other favorite bloggers (you know who you are) that I didn't tag with this fabulous award, you know I love you anyway. Keep writing. Maybe next time you'll make the cut.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Even if I didn't tag you for the award, do take some time to remember all the fabulous people and things in your life.
.
It's my first blog "award," and I feel so very honored.
Not only that, but it is timely, coming right before Thanksgiving and all, so I can blog about 5 fabulous things I am thankful for, and it just ties right in with the week's theme. Wow. I am truly blessed.
So, in compliance with the requirements for accepting this fabulous blog fodder award, I hereby post my list of "Five Fabulous Fings" (as my 5 year old would say):
1. Well, I'd be a schmuck if I didn't list my family. But truly, they are awesome. From my kids to my husband to my parents, step-sibs, & in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and on and on -- I love them all. Not only because they are genuinely good people with good hearts, but also because with their infinite capacity for random nuttiness, they will provide me with endless blog fodder for the foreseeable future. What's not to love?
2. The "C-foods" (as in, I am on a "C-food" diet) -- that's chocolate, cheese, and coffee with cream, and I try to make sure I get all three every day. Helps keep me thin and healthy, you know. Other fine C-foods include chicken, carrots, chimichangas, and champagne. Not necessarily to be eaten together, you understand.
3. My dog. He is a bassett hound and he has endless patience with my kids. Over my continuing protests, they hug him tight like a stuffed animal and kiss him on the nose, hook him up to their little plastic wagons so he can pull their toys around, and put funny hats and reindeer ears on him -- and he just sits there looking patient and bored. I have literally seen my son (accidentally) step on my dog's "wee-wee" and all he (the dog) did was give a little yelp and walk away. There was no biting, no barking, no growling -- just an apparent recognition that "the little boy did not intend to hurt me but, ow, I'd best get out of the way." When the kids are home, he is always with the kids. When they are not home, he sleeps happily by my feet while I work on my computer all day (or goof off by writing silly blog posts, one of those). What a great dog. What a great friend.
4. Our Constitution and Bill of Rights. Really, our founding fathers did a good job of designing a system of government by taking the best of what was there at the time and improving upon it, and also allowing enough flexibility that we can continue to improve upon it.
5. Beaches. The warm sand, the cool salty ocean water, the ever-present soft breeze, the beautiful seashells, the cheerful sunshine... oh, what would life be without beaches?
Now, I am supposed to pass this on to five other bloggers who I think are Fabulous (and, presumably, who have not already received this award). I have no idea whether the following bloggers will want to participate in this meme / award thing, but even if they don't, their blogs are fabulous and you should check them out. They, in turn, are supposed to list 5 things they think are fabulous. They don't have to write a book or even a paragraph about each one like I did. In fact, if they can keep it short, they will prove they are even more fabulous than me.
Here goes:
1. That Damn Expat tells some good tales, about everything from politicians who pee in their pants to her experience as a cheerleader for a day. Check it out. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be back for more, I promise.
2. Wide Lawns and Narrow Minds. Another blogger that will make you laugh, cry, question human nature, and come back time and again looking for more stories.
3. Whiskeymarie. Always witty, with lots of photos and a great list of other great time-wasters... um, I mean blogs.... in her sidebar. Plus, she's got a great meme ceremony that I am sure will be even more lovely when it is performed in the winter with snow on the ground -- assuming she will consider this award to be in the "meme" category.
4. Here Comes Johnny Yen Again. Not sure he really wants to be called "fabulous," and also not sure he participates in meme-type awards, but I do enjoy his thoughtful and entertaining posts. You will, too.
5. Fancy Schmancy. From thought-provoking and sentimental to funny as h---.... she's got it all and then some. Check her out if you haven't already.
To my other favorite bloggers (you know who you are) that I didn't tag with this fabulous award, you know I love you anyway. Keep writing. Maybe next time you'll make the cut.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Even if I didn't tag you for the award, do take some time to remember all the fabulous people and things in your life.
.
Friday, November 7, 2008
The Pulitzer Project
I ran across this site while surfing the other day, and decided to take the "Pulitzer Project" challenge.
Basically, the participants read every Pulitzer Prize winning novel ever written, and write a review of it on their own blog and/or on the Pulitzer Project blog. There is no time limit for completion. I love to read, I love a good challenge, and it sounds like fun so I'm going to try it, with one caveat: I refuse to waste perfectly good time and energy reading books that I consider to be boring or crummy. So if I read part of one of these "winners" and I hate it, I'm going to cut the reading short and write my review based on the part I read that made me think it's awful.
I've already read a few of these novels. Some I liked, one not so much. I'll start by writing reviews of the books I've already read (after refreshing my memory by re-reading them quickly, of course). Then I'll move on to reading and writing about others.
Since I rarely have time to read whole novels (I spend way too much time reading news and blogs on the internet), you can expect about one book review every three months or so. At about 4 books a year, and with currently more than 80 prize winners and a new one being awarded each year, it will take me 25 years or so to complete this project (assuming I live that long).
I doubt all of you will still be reading this blog by then (heck, I doubt I'll still be writing it by then), so if you want to know whether to read one of these prize-winning books or whether they're any good, you probably would do better to look at them yourself or read reviews by professional reviewers. But if you want to read along with me, or comment on the wonderful insights or crappy analysis you find in my reviews, or if you want to read along and maybe even write your own reviews (either on your own blog or at the Pulitzer Project blog site), I encourage that.
If you want to participate, check out the Pulitzer Project web site. The book list is here if you just want to see what I'll be reading and writing about occasionally.
I may also attempt the "Newbery Project," which is the same concept, but with children's books that have won the Newbery Medal. Or maybe I can talk my daughter into writing those reviews .... (hmmm.... that may take some legal mumbo jumbo and/or Jedi mind tricks, but it might be possible.)
If you don't enjoy these "elitist" type books or book reviews, you can just skip my "Pulitzer Project" (and/or "Newbery Project") blog posts.
If you do like this sort of thing, well then, Happy reading!
Basically, the participants read every Pulitzer Prize winning novel ever written, and write a review of it on their own blog and/or on the Pulitzer Project blog. There is no time limit for completion. I love to read, I love a good challenge, and it sounds like fun so I'm going to try it, with one caveat: I refuse to waste perfectly good time and energy reading books that I consider to be boring or crummy. So if I read part of one of these "winners" and I hate it, I'm going to cut the reading short and write my review based on the part I read that made me think it's awful.
I've already read a few of these novels. Some I liked, one not so much. I'll start by writing reviews of the books I've already read (after refreshing my memory by re-reading them quickly, of course). Then I'll move on to reading and writing about others.
Since I rarely have time to read whole novels (I spend way too much time reading news and blogs on the internet), you can expect about one book review every three months or so. At about 4 books a year, and with currently more than 80 prize winners and a new one being awarded each year, it will take me 25 years or so to complete this project (assuming I live that long).
I doubt all of you will still be reading this blog by then (heck, I doubt I'll still be writing it by then), so if you want to know whether to read one of these prize-winning books or whether they're any good, you probably would do better to look at them yourself or read reviews by professional reviewers. But if you want to read along with me, or comment on the wonderful insights or crappy analysis you find in my reviews, or if you want to read along and maybe even write your own reviews (either on your own blog or at the Pulitzer Project blog site), I encourage that.
If you want to participate, check out the Pulitzer Project web site. The book list is here if you just want to see what I'll be reading and writing about occasionally.
I may also attempt the "Newbery Project," which is the same concept, but with children's books that have won the Newbery Medal. Or maybe I can talk my daughter into writing those reviews .... (hmmm.... that may take some legal mumbo jumbo and/or Jedi mind tricks, but it might be possible.)
If you don't enjoy these "elitist" type books or book reviews, you can just skip my "Pulitzer Project" (and/or "Newbery Project") blog posts.
If you do like this sort of thing, well then, Happy reading!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Blog Club
I doubt I have any readers who haven't already seen Chuck Westbrook's blog and fantastic idea for a "blog club." But if I do, check it out and, if you're interested, join up! It sounds like fun, and will get all of us reading some great new blogs.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
A Foolish Incident
In response to "That Blue Yak's" "writing assignment," here is my story:
When I was in college, back in the dark ages of the prior century, I had a part-time job driving the bus for the University's transportation (bus) system. There were 80-plus part-time student drivers, a few full-time drivers, and a Transportation Manager (the "Trans Man") and Assistant Manager. We drove buses on a couple of different routes through the campus and out to various fraternity and sorority houses, dorms, and apartments where mostly students lived, as well as to a shopping center with a grocery, post office, bank, and other stores so students could buy things and take the bus back to their apartment. Buses ran every 10 minutes during weekdays, and every 20 minutes evenings and weekends. Shifts were approximately 2 to 4 hours long, and could begin as early as 5:15 a.m. and end as late as 1:00 a.m. For reasons I can't completely explain, it is my all-time favorite former job.
Here are some things that partially, but not completely, explain my love for this job.
** It had very flexible hours -- I could pick up or dump shifts almost at will, as there were always other drivers looking to dump and/or pick up shifts.
** We could bring our "boom boxes" and play our cassettes or radio while we drove the bus around campus and talked to all of our friends and classmates who rode the bus. (This was obviously in the primitive times before CD's made cassettes obsolete).
** The student drivers were a large enough group to be diverse and fun, but small enough to feel like a club or perhaps a sort of blue-collar fraternity / sorority. (It was literally a "blue collar" job -- we had to wear pale blue uniform shirts to drive the bus.) There were always student drivers just "hanging out" at the transit office. We went to Friday night happy hours together. We played practical jokes on each other. We celebrated birthdays and engagements and graduations together. We bowled together weekly during the slow summer months.
** It was the highest-paid student job on campus at the time. Back when minimum wage and most student jobs paid $3.35 per hour, it paid $5.15, which at the time seemed like a lot of money.
** They hired me even though at the time I applied for the job my personal auto insurance had just been suspended because I had been in two wrecks and received two speeding tickets within the prior 12 months. I was in the process of obtaining new and more expensive insurance. The Trans Man stated he was not worried about my prior driving record because they would teach all of the new hires defensive driving, the transit system was self-insured (which meant no rate increases for hiring pathetically bad drivers), and the buses were slow anyway so speeding tickets were not a real problem. My roommate thought he just liked the way I looked.
** The passengers provided no end of hilarious insight into human nature, which we shared with each other on the "Sup's pad." (Short for "supervisor's pad," this pad of paper found on each bus was supposed to be for writing up any problems with the bus or the route, suggestions for beneficial changes, etc., but in those pre-computer days, it served mostly as a sort of aggregate bus-drivers' blog about entitled, drunken, clueless, and otherwise annoying and/or hilarious passengers).
** Did I mention the practical jokes?
One of my "regulars" was a visiting law student from the U.K. who rode the bus every day from the law school, where he was a student, to the apartments where he lived. He liked the American tradition (or perhaps it was a tradition in the U.K., too? I really don't know....) of playing practical jokes on April Fools' Day, and he came up with a great idea for an April Fools joke. All he needed was a piece of letterhead from the transit system and someone to distribute the memo he had written.... I hooked him up, so to speak, with someone who could help him out with those two items.
And on April 1, each driver found, in his / her company mailbox, a memorandum that stated the following (paraphrased to the best of my ability to remember, as I no longer have a copy of the infamous memorandum):
April 1, 19xx
Due to new Federal regulations, the [University's Bus System] is now required to test each driver to screen for the use of illegal drugs. We will implement this requirement through testing of urine samples. There will be an initial test of each driver, followed by random testing of a portion of the workforce every three months hereafter. The urine will be analyzed for the presence of specific drugs, including but not limited to alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. The test can detect the use of these substances for up to three months after the time they were last used.
The initial test will take place this week. Please provide a sample of your urine in a plastic cup with your name on it, and leave it on [Trans Man's] desk by 5 p.m. on April 1. The urine will be sent to a lab, and results will be received sometime within the next week.
If you are unable or unwilling to comply with this requirement, or if drugs are detected in your urine sample, you may be terminated for cause.
Thank you for your cooperation in complying with these new Federal requirements.
Sincerely,
Transportation Manager
APR/fls
Keep in mind (and I know this is hard to fathom for you young-uns that have been raised in an era of decreasing privacy rights and rampant drug testing as a requirement to hold almost any position) that this memo was distributed years before such drug testing actually was required for bus drivers. It was distributed back in the dark ages, when many people were actually appalled at the thought that an employer would "invade the privacy of employees" by requiring drug testing before allowing them to drive a ten ton bus around the city while carrying anywhere from 30 to 100 passengers at a time. Thus, the idea of drug testing bus drivers actually was fairly shocking and controversial, at the time.
Also, however, please note the "APR/fls" at the bottom. If you are familiar with standard office procedures, you will know that this notation represents the initials of the person who dictated or wrote the memo (in capital letters) and the secretary who typed and distributed the memo (in lower case letters). No one in the office had these initials. It was obviously shorthand for "April Fools" -- i.e., "this is a joke, stupid!"
Most people were initially surprised and/or shocked but then read through to the end and, between the April 1 date at the top and in the body of the letter, and the APR/fls at the end, they picked up on the joke and began laughing.
But several persons were completely fooled. One fellow walked in to get his mail, read the memo, and immediately freaked out and then opened his mouth and inserted his foot and even his leg all the way up to his knee: "Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! No way!!! Drug testing?!? Oh, I am so hosed! I can't believe this!! I'll get fired! Oh, shit ... I have to quit. That's it -- I'm done, I quit!!!" And with that he took off his uniform shirt and stomped out of the office.
I guess we know what he was doing on his off hours. At least we hope it was only on his off hours....
Others asked, "where do I get a plastic cup for the test?" and were met with gales of laughter until they re-read the memo and realized it was all a joke.
And one went so far as to sneak a plastic cup filled with urine onto the Trans Man's desk -- much to the surprise and chagrin of the Trans Man, who was as taken aback by the drug testing memo as the rest of the crew and was disgusted to find a cup of pee on his desk after lunch.
We never did find out whether the person whose name was on the cup was the one who actually filled the cup and left it there, or if it was a "subsidiary joke" played on that person and the Trans Man, by someone who had figured out the gag. In the tradition of Ollie North, no one was admitting to remembering anything at all that day.
When I was in college, back in the dark ages of the prior century, I had a part-time job driving the bus for the University's transportation (bus) system. There were 80-plus part-time student drivers, a few full-time drivers, and a Transportation Manager (the "Trans Man") and Assistant Manager. We drove buses on a couple of different routes through the campus and out to various fraternity and sorority houses, dorms, and apartments where mostly students lived, as well as to a shopping center with a grocery, post office, bank, and other stores so students could buy things and take the bus back to their apartment. Buses ran every 10 minutes during weekdays, and every 20 minutes evenings and weekends. Shifts were approximately 2 to 4 hours long, and could begin as early as 5:15 a.m. and end as late as 1:00 a.m. For reasons I can't completely explain, it is my all-time favorite former job.
Here are some things that partially, but not completely, explain my love for this job.
** It had very flexible hours -- I could pick up or dump shifts almost at will, as there were always other drivers looking to dump and/or pick up shifts.
** We could bring our "boom boxes" and play our cassettes or radio while we drove the bus around campus and talked to all of our friends and classmates who rode the bus. (This was obviously in the primitive times before CD's made cassettes obsolete).
** The student drivers were a large enough group to be diverse and fun, but small enough to feel like a club or perhaps a sort of blue-collar fraternity / sorority. (It was literally a "blue collar" job -- we had to wear pale blue uniform shirts to drive the bus.) There were always student drivers just "hanging out" at the transit office. We went to Friday night happy hours together. We played practical jokes on each other. We celebrated birthdays and engagements and graduations together. We bowled together weekly during the slow summer months.
** It was the highest-paid student job on campus at the time. Back when minimum wage and most student jobs paid $3.35 per hour, it paid $5.15, which at the time seemed like a lot of money.
** They hired me even though at the time I applied for the job my personal auto insurance had just been suspended because I had been in two wrecks and received two speeding tickets within the prior 12 months. I was in the process of obtaining new and more expensive insurance. The Trans Man stated he was not worried about my prior driving record because they would teach all of the new hires defensive driving, the transit system was self-insured (which meant no rate increases for hiring pathetically bad drivers), and the buses were slow anyway so speeding tickets were not a real problem. My roommate thought he just liked the way I looked.
** The passengers provided no end of hilarious insight into human nature, which we shared with each other on the "Sup's pad." (Short for "supervisor's pad," this pad of paper found on each bus was supposed to be for writing up any problems with the bus or the route, suggestions for beneficial changes, etc., but in those pre-computer days, it served mostly as a sort of aggregate bus-drivers' blog about entitled, drunken, clueless, and otherwise annoying and/or hilarious passengers).
** Did I mention the practical jokes?
One of my "regulars" was a visiting law student from the U.K. who rode the bus every day from the law school, where he was a student, to the apartments where he lived. He liked the American tradition (or perhaps it was a tradition in the U.K., too? I really don't know....) of playing practical jokes on April Fools' Day, and he came up with a great idea for an April Fools joke. All he needed was a piece of letterhead from the transit system and someone to distribute the memo he had written.... I hooked him up, so to speak, with someone who could help him out with those two items.
And on April 1, each driver found, in his / her company mailbox, a memorandum that stated the following (paraphrased to the best of my ability to remember, as I no longer have a copy of the infamous memorandum):
April 1, 19xx
Due to new Federal regulations, the [University's Bus System] is now required to test each driver to screen for the use of illegal drugs. We will implement this requirement through testing of urine samples. There will be an initial test of each driver, followed by random testing of a portion of the workforce every three months hereafter. The urine will be analyzed for the presence of specific drugs, including but not limited to alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine. The test can detect the use of these substances for up to three months after the time they were last used.
The initial test will take place this week. Please provide a sample of your urine in a plastic cup with your name on it, and leave it on [Trans Man's] desk by 5 p.m. on April 1. The urine will be sent to a lab, and results will be received sometime within the next week.
If you are unable or unwilling to comply with this requirement, or if drugs are detected in your urine sample, you may be terminated for cause.
Thank you for your cooperation in complying with these new Federal requirements.
Sincerely,
Transportation Manager
APR/fls
Keep in mind (and I know this is hard to fathom for you young-uns that have been raised in an era of decreasing privacy rights and rampant drug testing as a requirement to hold almost any position) that this memo was distributed years before such drug testing actually was required for bus drivers. It was distributed back in the dark ages, when many people were actually appalled at the thought that an employer would "invade the privacy of employees" by requiring drug testing before allowing them to drive a ten ton bus around the city while carrying anywhere from 30 to 100 passengers at a time. Thus, the idea of drug testing bus drivers actually was fairly shocking and controversial, at the time.
Also, however, please note the "APR/fls" at the bottom. If you are familiar with standard office procedures, you will know that this notation represents the initials of the person who dictated or wrote the memo (in capital letters) and the secretary who typed and distributed the memo (in lower case letters). No one in the office had these initials. It was obviously shorthand for "April Fools" -- i.e., "this is a joke, stupid!"
Most people were initially surprised and/or shocked but then read through to the end and, between the April 1 date at the top and in the body of the letter, and the APR/fls at the end, they picked up on the joke and began laughing.
But several persons were completely fooled. One fellow walked in to get his mail, read the memo, and immediately freaked out and then opened his mouth and inserted his foot and even his leg all the way up to his knee: "Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! No way!!! Drug testing?!? Oh, I am so hosed! I can't believe this!! I'll get fired! Oh, shit ... I have to quit. That's it -- I'm done, I quit!!!" And with that he took off his uniform shirt and stomped out of the office.
I guess we know what he was doing on his off hours. At least we hope it was only on his off hours....
Others asked, "where do I get a plastic cup for the test?" and were met with gales of laughter until they re-read the memo and realized it was all a joke.
And one went so far as to sneak a plastic cup filled with urine onto the Trans Man's desk -- much to the surprise and chagrin of the Trans Man, who was as taken aback by the drug testing memo as the rest of the crew and was disgusted to find a cup of pee on his desk after lunch.
We never did find out whether the person whose name was on the cup was the one who actually filled the cup and left it there, or if it was a "subsidiary joke" played on that person and the Trans Man, by someone who had figured out the gag. In the tradition of Ollie North, no one was admitting to remembering anything at all that day.
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