Nip/Tuck Update

Warning: The content of this post is not for the faint of heart, nor anyone who is going to judge me for watching complete garbage on television, nor anyone who is worried their boss might look over their shoulder and wonder what the heck they are reading!

I watched my favorite craptacular show again last night - yes, that's right, it's Nip/Tuck! - and I thought I'd give you a little update, in case you missed it. Ok, it's a long update. So shoot me.

Spoiler alert: They repeat the prior week's episode on Tuesday nights, before the current week's episode on Wednesdays. So if you'd prefer to watch this craptastic crap-fest for yourself and not have all the good parts spoiled, you should stop reading now and tune in to FX next Tuesday instead.

But if you just want to know exactly how bad television can be, then by all means, read on.

The robber-mime went to prison for all those creepy silent robberies he committed. Last week's episode was all about how he was getting raped by one of his fellow prisoners; and about how his plastic-surgeon Dad, Dr. Christian Troy, sold his beloved yacht to pay a $10,000 bribe to the warden to have his son moved "somewhere safe"; and then the warden had him moved to a private cell with the completely creepy and sadistic and abusive rapist; and he begged his plastic surgeon dad to give him breast implants (!) to keep his cellmate happy so he could quit getting beaten to a pulp; and instead his plastic-surgeon dad gives him depo-provera to feed to the cellmate in ho-ho's, which keeps the cellmate from getting erections; and the cellmate finds out and violently attacks our former mime; and at the end the former mime apparently strangles the cellmate in self-defense. (I say apparently because you never know with this show, whether the guy is actually dead.... )

It was a redemption of sorts for our anti-hero. After all, he's no longer a mime, right? (Hahaha, I'm still laughing about the episode when he told his dads he had decided to follow his life's dream to become a mime). And plus, now he's all victim-y, right? And so now we should feel sorry for him instead of hating him, right? Uh, yeah....

Meanwhile, last week's episode also detailed the efforts of Sean and Julia to get custody of their kids back from Julia's mother, who took them after the whole fiasco (a few weeks ago) where Sean's new and creepy, sneaky, scheming, killed-all-her-former-husbands-for-the-insurance-money wife tried to kill him and both of the kids. The new wife tried to kill the kids, too, this time, because Sean was smart -- or stupid? -- enough to make them the insurance beneficiaries instead of the psycho wife... but then she gets.... oh, nevermind, I'll save that juicy tidbit for you to watch during re-run season...

(That was, however, the same episode in which Sean and Julia's daughter was pulling out her hair and eating it (eeeewwww), and then she had horrible stomach cramps and Sean had to remove a hairball the size of Texas from her stomach; and also the episode in which Sean tried to kill himself by swimming naked out into the ocean, apparently hoping to drown or get eaten by sharks....)

... and also last week Julia's mother's boyfriend / husband who is young enough to be her son was suspected of molesting Sean & Julia's daughter (the one who used to eat her hair, yes) and so the mom gives custody back to Julia & Sean and then Julia plants the cocaine in her mom's bag so her mom will be arrested at the airport because Julia wants her mom out of her life forever... and dang, I'm running out of breath here....

(Did I mention that this show is completely and unbelievably awful? And that I simply can't resist it anyway?)

So this week, as usual, I thought it could not possibly get any worse. There can't be anything more depraved, right?

Uh, right, yeah, uh-huh... let me remind, you, "self," that you always think that just before the show reaches a new "low"...


On this week's episode, Barbie and Ken come in for a consultation. I forgot her "real" name. His "real" name was "Skip."

Seriously, they think they are Ken and Barbie. They met at a doll convention 5 years ago and they have a perfect, plastic, sexless life, just like Ken and Barbie, whose marriage has lasted, after all, for 59 years, and it's all because they don't have sex. (No, silly, it's not because they are dolls and the manufacturer can invent any premise it wants. Oh, no, it's because they don't have sex and so there are no weird issues about "ownership" or "jealousy"... uh, yeah ... ok....)

And these two freaks want to be just like those plastic models of the 1950's ideal of human perfection (as Ken says, or something like that anyway) - with a sexless, "perfect" relationship. But, "we're not crazy. Oh, no! We're a great real estate selling team and we've sold more houses in this economy than anyone else in town!" (Wonder how many real estate agents will sue FX over that one?)

They both look plastic and perfect already - just like Barbie and Ken. The doctors look at each other and then at the pair: So what is it they want to change? What could they possibly not like about themselves!?



I sure didn't see it coming...



You'll never guess...




Our Barbie look-alike wants to have her nipples removed, so she won't be constantly aroused. "They're like gumdrops. They're constantly hard!" she complains. Ken has already had his removed. She wants to match. They want to be more perfect, like those dolls. Plus, she wants to get rid of that whole sexual desire thing. She wants the perfect, sexless marriage to the Ken doll.

(Holy Moly am I really watching this crud?)

Then just before the surgery, Dr. Sean is explaining the risks and asking her, essentially, "are you sure about this?" and she is going on about how awful sex is, all that groping and grabbing, maybe a spank on the butt cheek or two, and then it's all about the in and out, the up and down and...

.... cut to a short but forever-seared-into-my-brain truly-craptacular scene of Dr. Christian with another patient in the other room, getting it on in the canine way, slapping a butt cheek or two .... ay yi yi.....


(Holy Moly am I still watching this crud?!? But I just know it will be worth it by the end!)


So Sean removes Barbie's nipples, as asked.

And a couple of weeks later, when she comes in to have the stitches removed, he convinces her she's all wrong about the sex thing and passion is good, and they do it right there in the office. (Too bad he didn't convince her of that before he did the surgery!)


(Have any of you guys ever had sex in your office? No? I thought not. Yet the offices of Doctors Sean and Christian see an awful lot of truly awful action....)


And then later Skip, the Ken-doll look-alike, finds out that Barbie "did the nasty" with Dr. Sean, and comes in to talk to him...

And Sean is concerned; he thinks "Ken" will be angry.

But, no, Ken is not angry. He is thrilled because the revelation about Barbie has "set him free" to be with the one he really loves..... and he wants Dr. McNamara (Sean) to meet his new "friend," whom he met at the doll convention this past year.... a perfect human replica of ....





Wait for it....




Can you guess?....




No?....



I didn't see it coming, either....




OK, then, scroll on down...





"This is Joe."


. . .


Yes, that would be "G.I. Joe" for those of you (like me) who are a little slow on the uptake.* (see footnote)

It took me a minute or two, but then I could not stop laughing. The whole show was like some freaky version of the goofy crap I'd have invented with all my dumb Barbies and Kens and my friend's brother's G.I. Joe action figures at age 9!! (Barbie dates Ken. They change outfits a lot and always look fabulous! Barbie dumps Ken doll for better looking model Ken doll. Snubbed Ken doll hangs with G.I. Joe and goes on "adventures"! ... )



(In case you were wondering, the answers are "yes, Joe was dressed and coiffed to look just like the doll" and "no, Joe did not want his nipples removed, too.")



This show is truly awful, but yet I can't stop laughing. Once again, it was totally worth watching, because I'll laugh all week about it, even though I am embarassed to admit it. And well-acted! I can't even imagine playing these roles without bursting out laughing or cringing every time I had to say or do anything at all and yet, these guys play it as if it's just their real lives. Even when the script is over-the-top ridiculous, you find yourself believing it could really happen. At least until you try to write about it on your blog and realize exactly how spectacularly and ridiculously and crappily awful it all is.

(I'm still laughing, though!)

* * *

*footnote: It does occur to me that this might seem like a mockery of the military and could potentially offend those who are serving in the military. But in the context of the show (which often and in general has an underlying theme of mocking those who seek shallow surface perfection rather than seeking inner peace and goodness), it seemed to me to be mocking the shallow freaks who want to look like dolls, and our culture's general obsession with shallow things like looks instead of substance. It did not come across as a mockery of our enlisted men at all. I will also say my ex-Navy husband caught the joke and was laughing well before I realized "Joe" was "G.I. Joe," so at least one former military person was not offended.

So, if you're offended, sorry.... but it is what it is, and I thought it was hilarious!