What Could Be Worse?

Have any of you watched "Nip / Tuck" (on FX)? The show is so bad, it's good.

The plots are outrageously ridiculous, shocking, disgusting, depraved even - and they completely lack any semblance of any sort of redeeming social value, so that I hate myself for liking this show - but at the same time, I can't help it. It is hilarious and entertaining. The acting and writing are good. (Really. There's no way I could keep a straight face with some of the situations and lines these actors are given, yet they play it as if it's just their reality. Amazing.) I read somewhere, though, that most of the plastic surgeries requested on the show - outrageous things like "remove the drug-smuggler's cocaine-containing breast implants" and "anal reconstruction" and "make my face look like a cat" and "amputate my leg" - are based on real-life plastic surgeries that have been performed.

Last week's show really cracked me up, though. Here's why:

Does anyone know/remember the character Matt McNamara's history through the show?

Matt has been raised as Sean and Julia's son, although Christian is his biological dad. He considers both of them his "dads" at this point. He also has some adjustment problems, apparently. Right off the bat, in season one, he smoked marijuana with a friend and was involved in a hit & run accident.

So, his parents hire a "life coach" for him. Then he has a sexual relationship with the "life coach," who turns out to be a sexual predator.

The life coach also later turns out to be a transexual (who was also having a sexual relationship with her own biological son), which sends Matt over the edge and to a tranny bar where he picks up a woman and then attacks her when he learns she is a transexual; her friends later attack Matt. Later that season, he dates a racist girl and becomes a skinhead / racist / white supremacist. Later, he makes up with the tranny gal, who kills the supremacist gal's dad with a shovel, if I am remembering correctly. Holy cow.

But that's not all, folks. Later, Matt sleeps with Kimber, the porn star girlfriend of each of his dads at one point or another during this crazy bad show. He converts to scientology while trying to seduce her. (This was around the time Tom Cruise was being a high profile scientologist and Oprah couch-hopper, giving new meaning to the word "nuts").

Matt later tries to extort money from his dads to pay for his and Kimber's crystal meth addiction, by claiming he is broke and needs the money to pay for food for his and Kimber's baby.

And then he is burned in a hotel explosion and fire he caused by cooking meth.

And then he meets a patient in his father's office, falls hard for her, and starts sleeping with her -- only to learn she is his biological sister who had come to L.A. to find her real father, Christian.


So, when your character has been a white supremacist; a meth addict; a scientologist; a lying, cheating, thieving, no-good jerk; has been involved in at least one murder; and already has slept with his father's (fathers'?) porn star girlfriend, his transexual life coach, and his biological sister, what more can you do with / to that character? What can you do to make everyone hate him even more? What could be worse?

Why, of course! (And I can just picture the writers sitting around smoking dope and thinking up this one....)

This season, he decides to pursue his "life's dream" of becoming a ...

* * *

... can you guess? ....


* * *


... scroll down, now....


* * *

...Wait for it!...


* * *

. . . he decides to become a . . . MIME !!


(The look on his two dads' faces when he announced his new life's dream was priceless).

But, of course! If there is any single person out there who still likes this character after all he has done, this will seal the deal! This will get rid of any small amount of sympathy that still exists for this character. Because of course everyone hates a mime!

(Don't they? I can just picture this discussion in the writers' conference room...)

And the kicker is, within the hour, Matt the Mime is holding up a coffee shop with a fake plastic gun. In full makeup. And without saying a word.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Sorry.

I'll be laughing for weeks over that one.

(And I can't wait to watch this week's episode....).

A Pet Peeve

Have you ever called your credit card company to ask about a charge you think may be incorrect?

No?

Well, here's what happens:

You dial the telephone number printed on your statement.

The phone rings.

The automated voice mail menu system picks up.

It runs through a list of options for you, none of which mention your problem. So you hit "0" hoping for a live person.

No such luck. The computer advises you that your entry is incorrect and to please select from the following menu of options, repeating the same useless list.

So you pick something remotely similar, like "To Pay Your Bill" and press "2" (or whatever number it was).

Then it gives you another menu, with none of the options matching your query. So you try again with the "0," hoping to speak with a real person.

This time, it seems to work! It says something like, A representative will be with you shortly. Please enter your credit card number.

So you enter your credit card number.

Then begins the "Hold Hell," which despite rhyming with Cold Hell is not at all similar to a "Cold Day In Hell," which would be an extremely rare event and therefore not as annoying.

"Hold Hell" is where they play annoying music in the background that keeps you from enjoying the music you were listening to at home. They also interrupt the bad music every two minutes or so with some sort of "announcement" about the bank or credit card offerings or whatever. Each time you hear the music cut out, your face brightens a bit as you think, "Finally! A person to talk to!" and then your heart sinks again as you hear the soft female computer-generated voice begin another announcement...

15 - 20 minutes later, a real person finally picks up but by then you are so engrossed in your online Sudoku game that you don't even notice until the person is saying, "Hello? Hello?"

And then you jolt to attention.

And then they ask you for your credit card number.

And so you say, "I know it has been 15 minutes, but I thought computers had pretty good memories. Didn't I just type that in?"

And the person says, "Well, but it doesn't show up on my screen, so I need you to tell it to me again."

Aargh.

So you do. And then it turns out this person is in the wrong department to help you and so you have to be transferred.

Again the computer-generated voice asks you to type in your number. Again you do so.

And then... another 15 minutes of "Hold Hell." Another online Sudoku game and a crossword puzzle and a quick perusal of failblog.org and postsecret.com and . . . .

Another person finally picks up the phone, jolting you back to the present. What's the first thing they ask you? . . .

. . . Right! [You guys are quick learners, by the way!]

"Can I have your credit card number, please?"

Aaaaargh!!

Friday Feature - Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps

This week's featured blog is "Some Days It's Not Worth Chewing Through The Leather Straps," written by Skyler's Dad. Most of my readers already know Skyler's Dad, but for any new readers and/or any long-time readers who don't know him, you should!

SkyDad's blog is one of my perennial favorites because it has it all: laughs; Bad Tat Tuesdays (these regular features will make you laugh, cringe, squirm, and laugh again!); funny and/or touching stories about his life and his son's life challenges; random funny, strange, and/or crude videos, photos, ads, and other information gathered from around the internet; excerpts of well-written stories by other authors that will make you laugh and/or cry; and then some more laughs.

Plus, Skyler's Dad loves to leave hilarious and/or sensitive and kind comments on other blogs, so he gets extra credit for being a great blog-friend and frequent commenter, as well.

Here is a sampling of links for you to check out:

* A link to a recent "Bad Tat Tuesday" feature;

* A link to a post about navigating around town in a wheelchair overseas that will make you laugh inadvertently even while you scratch your head and wonder, what were they thinking?!?, and will give you a new appreciation for our Americans With Disabilities Act and other accessibility laws in the good ol' USA;

* A link to a post that will make you smile;

* A link to a post that will make you think; and

* A link to a recent funny but somewhat disturbing, crude, and definitely NSFW post (don't click if you are easily offended).

Click on them, and then click around Sky-Dad's site. I bet you'll like some or all of what you see there. [See footnote below]

Go on! Go check out the goods!


* * *
Footnote (because I'm a lawyer, that's why):

WARNING/DISCLAIMER: You have to be careful when clicking at work. SkyDad sometimes posts things that are "Not Safe For Work." He usually warns you about any links or videos that are "NSFW" -- but still, don't click too randomly while you're at work!

Something New Tomorrow: "Friday Feature"

Tomorrow, I'm starting a series here on LegalMist: "Friday Feature" -- in which each week I will spotlight one of my favorite blogs around the web.

There are hundreds, thousands even, of great blogs out there. I read some of them, and I want you to check them out, too. I know you could click on the little avatars under my "followers" widget, or on one of the links in the blogroll my sidebar, but sometimes my blogroll isn't updated and sometimes it's not easy to find a link to one of the "followers." And sometimes a blog's title, or that day's post, doesn't fully reflect the fabulousness that is the blog itself.

So, I thought it might be fun to do a weekly series that gives a little more information about the blog than just the blog title. I'll include a description of the blog, along with a link to either a recent post or to one of my favorite posts.

Now, don't be upset if you're not first in line. It will take months - possibly years - for me to get through all my favorites one week at a time. And the order in which you appear means nothing about whether I like you better than some other blogger. If I write about you this week, it just means I particularly liked one of your posts or I randomly picked you to be next. If I didn't write about you this week, but you're in my link list or one of my followers, I'll likely get to you in a few weeks or months.

Many of you are already familiar with each other, but some of my readers may not be familiar with your blogs, and on the off chance that I have a new reader who hasn't read your fantastic blog yet, I want to send them your way. Not that you should expect a huge "bump" in readership from my little blog - it won't be at all the same as if you were to make the "blogs of note" list one day! But I want to do my part to encourage and highlight some of the best bloggers out there. And I want to say a public "thanks" to those of you who entertain me whenever I need a break from work or from the hectic pace of my life.

If you want to point me to a great blog that you love (or that you write), please feel welcome to leave a link in my comment section. I'll check it out when I have time, and perhaps I'll add the blog to my blogroll and/or spotlight it in a future Friday Feature.

Happy Reading, everyone!