Here is what I felt like saying to the idiot on the other end of the 1-800 number:
"I can't decide whether you are being intentionally obtuse because you don't want to tell me what is going on with the check I deposited, or whether you simply don't know and you think I am so stupid that if you just keep repeating over and over again that "we are processing it," I will say, 'oh, ok' and go away."
Here is what I said instead (I thought it was much kinder. Perhaps it was too kind...):
"You have repeated the phrase 'we are processing it' four times now. What, specifically, does that mean? What specific actions are you taking to 'process' the check?"
Here is the response I got:
"Well, we are processing it. The funds will be available on July 22."
Decision made. Intentionally obtuse AND doesn't know jack shit.
Thank God for the wonderfully responsive, smart, and kind individuals working at my actual bank branch. I will have the funds available by Monday, which is when I need them!